8/52 Love Your Partner More—"In My Life" by The Beatles

THE SONG: In My Life, The Beatles

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

THE LOVE NOTE:
Dear Kara,

I don't like the idea of there being only one person we can love—the "soul-mate." I do love the idea that of all the people I love, or have loved, that it is you above all, the best of the best, that I choose to love more than all the rest. I believe a "soul-mate" isn't someone we "find," but that it's a relationship that is created, nurtured, developed and grown.

Loving you more,

Jonny

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Love Your Partner More. Don't wait to "feel" loving. Don't wonder if you "found" the best or not. Don't look for greener grass elsewhere. You chose your partner above all others. That is profound. Make it and keep it profound by loving your partner more than all else. Some days you may not feel the love. That's okay. Love her/him more by choosing to love them anyway. Behave in loving ways even when  you don't feel loving. This is noble and wise. Some days you will feel the love, too, which is grand. Nurture the love when you feel it so it can propagate into abundance. Protect the love when you don't feel it so it can re-emerge after the storm has passed. Loving your partner more means to love your partner more than you compare him/her to others. More than your transient feelings that can fluctuate from day to day. More than the ups and downs of love. Loving more is choice. Love your partner more than any other choice.

7/52 Take Fierce Pride in the One You Love—"Pride and Joy" by Stevie Ray Vaughan

THE SONG: Pride and Joy, Stevie Ray Vaughan

Well you've heard about love givin' sight to the blind
My baby's lovin' cause the sun to shine
She's my sweet little thing, she's my pride and joy

She's my sweet little baby, I'm her little lover boy



Yeah I love my baby, heart and soul
Love like ours it won't never grow old

She's my sweet little thing, she's my pride and joy

She's my sweet little baby, I'm her little lover boy



Yeah, I love my baby, she's long and lean

You mess with her, you'll see a man get mean

She's my sweet little thing, she's my pride and joy
She's my sweet little baby, I'm her little lover boy



[the following verse omitted from the acoustic version above]
Well I love my baby, like the finest wine

Stick with her until the end of time

She's my sweet little thing, she's my pride and joy
She's my sweet little baby, I'm her little lover boy



Yeah I love my baby, heart and soul
Love like ours it won't never never never never grow old

She's my sweet little thing, she's my pride and joy
She's my sweet little baby, I'm her little lover boy


THE LOVE NOTE:
Hey Sweet Little Thing—
You are long and lean—you're as you say "small, but scrappy!" Most of all you are indeed my pride and joy. What good do I have in my life that I can't either give you credit for or enjoy with you? "Love like ours never grows old": You're still the one I enjoy being with; It's your good opinion of me that still matters most; It's you I still like to do things for.

Love,
Your "little" lover boy

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Take fierce pride in the one you love. Brag about your baby. Take joy in him or her. Let your baby know Refuse to ever criticize her/him to others. Don't husband-bash with your girlfriends. Don't wife-bash with the guys. "You mess with her, you'll see a man get mean" is a great line. Have that kind of  protectiveness not just with others but more importantly from your own internal criticisms of your baby.

For example, you'd have to search far and wide to find anyone who's heard me complain or criticize my wife to them. It's not that we don't have problems. It's that she deserves to be defended, even from me—and there's no one better situated as protector and provider to protect her and provide her with that level of relationship safety than me.

6/52 Make room for love to move in—"Hotel Yorba" by The White Stripes

THE SONG: Hotel Yorba, The White Stripes

I was watching
With one eye on the other side
I had fifteen people telling me to move
I got moving on my mind
I found shelter
In some thoughts turning wheels around
I said 39 times that I love you
To the beauty I had found

Well its 1 2 3 4
Take the elevator
At the Hotel Yorba
I'll be glad to see you later
All they got inside is vacancy

I been thinking
Of a little place down by the lake
They got a dirty little road leading up to the house
I wonder how long it will take till we're alone
Sitting on the front porch of that home
Stomping our feet on the wooden boards
Never gonna worry about locking the door

Well its 1 2 3 4
Take the elevator
At the Hotel Yorba
I'll be glad to see you later
All they got inside is vacancy

You'll probably say I'm silly
Thinking childish thoughts like these
But I'm so tired of acting tough
And I'm gonna do as I please
Let's get married
In a big cathedral by a priest
Cuz if I'm the man you love the most
You can say "I do" at least

And its 4 5 6 7
Grab your umbrella
Grab hold of me
Cause I'm your favorite fella
All they got inside is vacancy

THE LOVE NOTE:
Hey Babe—
I love the musical versatility of The White Stripes. One of my fav songs (out of many) of theirs. This is just a fun rompin' courting song.

I'm glad we made it from gettin' hitched to settlin' in at home. I love just "stompin' our feet on the wooden boards" while relaxing and being home with you.

Love,
Your favorite fella.

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Make room for love to move in. Love needs space. Too often we keep our hearts full of so much junk, baggage, goofy beliefs, relationship myths, masks, fears. "I'm tired of acting tough" is about being ready to let that go and move into love where there is "vacancy" or space. When we're ready to stop "posing/fronting" we can look forward to the subtle joy of connecting with someone now and into the future where we are just relaxing on the front porch. To do so, though, we need to first clear space within ourselves for love to move fully in.

5/52: Be a Real Man—"Whatta Man" by Salt 'N' Pepa (feat. En Vogue)

THE SONG: Whatta Man, Salt 'N' Pepa (feat. En Vogue)

Chorus:
Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man
(repeat 4x)

I wanna take a minute or two, and give much respect due
To the man that's made a difference in my world
And although most men are ho's he flows on the down low
Cuz I never heard about him with another girl
But I don't sweat it because it's just pathetic
To let it get me involved in that he said/she said crowd
I know that ain't nobody perfect, I give props to those who deserve it
And believe me y'all, he's worth it
So here's to the future cuz we got through the past
I finally found somebody that can make me laugh
(Ha ha ha) You so crazy
I think I wanna have your baby

(CHORUS)

My man is smooth like Barry, and his voice got bass
A body like Arnold with a Denzel face
He's smart like a doctor with a real good rep
And when he comes home he's relaxed with Pep
He always got a gift for me everytime I see him
A lot of snot-nosed ex-flames couldn't be him
He never ran a corny line once to me yet
So I give him stuff that he'll never forget
He keeps me on Cloud Nine just like the Temps
He's not a fake wannabe tryin' to be a pimp
He dresses like a dapper don, but even in jeans
He's a God-sent original, the man of my dreams

Yes, my man says he loves me, never says he loves me not
Tryin' to rush me good and touch me in the right spot
See other guys that I've had, they tried to play all that mack sh**
But every time they tried I said, "That's not it"
But not this man, he's got the right potion
Baby, rub it down and make it smooth like lotion
Yeah, the ritual, highway to heaven
From seven to seven he's got me open like 7-11
And yes, it's me that he's always choosin'
With him I'm never losin', and he knows that my name is not Susan
He always has heavy conversation for the mind
Which means a lot to me cuz good men are hard to find

(CHORUS)

My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller
He takes his time and does everything right
Knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night
He's a real smooth brother, never in a rush
And he gives me goose pimples with every single touch
Spends quality time with his kids when he can
Secure in his manhood cuz he's a real man
A lover and a fighter and he'll knock a knucker out
Don't take him for a sucker cuz that's not what he's about
Every time I need him, he always got my back
Never disrespectful cuz his mama taught him that

(CHORUS)

THE LOVE NOTE:
K—
Time to sing props for me this time! Go me! While I don't have a voice like Barry, a body like Arnold, or the Denzel face, I do have a will, commitment and desire to treat you right. This isn't meant to be self-congratualtory (okay, yes it is, but that's beside the point...), it is meant to simply say you have a good man and you deserve a good man. I hold myself to a high husbandly standard for three reasons:

1. Because I take pride in being who I am; 
2. Because you deserve to be treated right and holding myself to that standard ensures that you get your dues. I take pride in seeing you well-loved; and 
3. Our kids deserve to see their mother treated well. I take pride in that, too.

What do I get out of it? I get a LOT out of treating you well—a sense of pride and accomplishment in the one area that matters above all else: Relationships in the home. In return, you indeed know how to keep your man happy, attracted, and appreciated. You are so good to me. I have a "mighty mighty good woman."
—J

PS: Favorite line?  "And when he comes home he's relaxed with Pep" ;-)

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Be a Real Man. Because "good men are hard to find" that makes you being a good man all the more precious and priceless to your baby. Give your woman a man to be proud of. Give your children an example to follow. Show your boys how to be man who knows how to treat a woman. Show your girls how they should be honored and respected by their man.

"The most important thing a father can do

for his children

is to love their mother." 

—Theodore Hesburgh  

You may have noticed besides the good traits highlighted in this song, it also has a lot of sexual innuendo and reference. A lot of songs have sex in them. What's different with this song is that the sexual references are in relation to being treated right and reciprocity. Many men I work with wish their women were more sexual and many women are bothered by how much their men want sex. There's a LOT to this topic, however, the short version: Men treat your women right (like the GR Principles throughout these VAY Projects) and women will feel more emotionally tuned into and connected with and then will often feel more open to sex because it's now about relationship and emotional connection and not "just sex". This is the path to improving a couples sex life. 

4/52 Love is Behavior that Generates Outcomes—"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" by Bryan Adams

THE SONG: Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman? by Bryan Adams

Embedding of the video has been disabled by the owner, but you can

Watch the video here on YouTube   

To really love a woman, to understand her
you got to know her deep inside
Hear every thought, see every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
That she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
That it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really, really ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman let her hold you
'Til you know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her, really taste her
'Til you can feel her in your blood
And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
'Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
That you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really,
Really, really ever loved a woman?

You got to give her some faith, hold her tight
A little tenderness, you gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman, yeah
And when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
That she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
'Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
That it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really, really ever loved a woman?

Just tell me have you ever really,
Really, really, ever loved a woman?
Just tell me have you ever really,
Really, really, ever loved a woman?

THE LOVE NOTE:
Dear Kara,

This is one of my favorites from one of my favorite movies, Don Juan de Marco (with Johnny Depp, Marlon Brando and Faye Dunaway). It’s so passionate but not fluffy or sappy. To me, it’s about love being not just a feeling but really a behavior. I hope that I behave this way towards you. I love you so much and you deserve so much—the best!

Love,
J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE:
Love is a Series of Behaviors that Generate Outcomes. There is so much relational wisdom is this one song as it so well illustrates some key behaviors to really love your woman. 

Allow me to expound a bit on the behaviors identified in this song:

• To understand her 
• True love cannot exist without accurate understanding. As Stephen Covey wisely advised, "Seek first to understand".
• You got to know her deep inside 
• How do you know someone or something if you don't study? I encourage my couples to become students of their partners. Study them as a student would study a college course, a football fan every play, a mechanic an engine.
• To study deep is to know and understand the subtle intricacies that make things tick. 
• Hear every thought
• Have you studied her so well that you can hear her thoughts from reading her body language, her facial expressions, her tones. Do you know how to read her patterns. Have you learned to anticipate her needs, wishes and wants? It can be done and as you do so you will have someone who will feel so loved and so grateful. 
• See every dream
• What are her dreams, goals, aspirations? Go deeper. What are the hidden most secret desires of her heart. Listen to them without judgment, censure or commentary.  Instead, be in awe of the complex being who has chosen to share her life with you. Maybe she has even given up some of her dreams just so she could be with you instead. Honor that. Be in grateful awe of that!
• And give her wings when she wants to fly 
• Support her in every big or small thing she wants to try. Why not? The reasons you may give such as money or time constraints may be legitimate concerns but they are barriers that must be worked around as they are only excuses. A woman who is supported in her passions is a woman who stays passionate. 
• Tell her that she's really wanted 
• Women seek security and stability. It has been called the "nesting instinct". There's something of great value to that. By knowing she is wanted by you she is given every reason to continue in the safety of this nest. But you must tell her: Say "I love you." "I appreciate how much you help me by doing _________". Write it in a note and a card. Express appreciation. Do these FREQUENTLY and do not be stingy in the expression of your love, appreciation and affection for her. 
• Tell her that she's the one
• Are you communicating directly and indirectly that she above all others is the one? Or are you commenting on the beauty of this woman or that woman? Do you take a double-take when a beautiful woman passes by? Stop it! Instead, when you see a beautiful woman when then two of you are out together, quickly look at your wife instead and smile. Then when your woman looks at you she'll see that you are looking at her and not the other woman. Comment frequently on how attractive you find your wife. Let her know why she is so important to you: Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Let her know how lost you'd be without her. Let her know that is because of her that you have your treasures (your children) and that you will love her every day of her life because of that one profound fact. Flood her with a knowledge that she alone is the one and that you choose her again afresh every day. 
• She needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever and that you'll always be together. 
• This goes into the intelligent need for safety and security. 
• Let her hold you 'til ya know how she needs to be touched 
• It has been said that when it comes to sex, "Men are microwaves. Women are crockpots." Women are certainly more complex (that's a good thing, guys!) sexually, and the man who takes the time not only for foreplay but to really understand how she likes to be touched will find a grateful and more willing partner. It is important to note as well that sex usually begins two weeks before sex for women. She'll be paying attention, subconsciously, to how much you tune into her needs with all of the above. Does he attend to my request to take out the garbage?  translates into "If he doesn't tune in and listen to something as simple as taking out the garbage then how on earth will he be able to tune into the complexity of my female sexuality?"
• You've gotta breathe her, really taste her 'til you can feel her in your blood 
• This goes with really knowing, studying, learning, tuning in until it becomes a visceral experience. A true connection. This is where "two shall become one".
• And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes 
• See the big picture. See beyond the now. See your future together. This helps us get beyond the daily stuff we get stuck in, the daily annoyances, the squabbles, the differences. 
• Give her some faith
• Spend less time arguing with her and "correcting" her. Instead, give her credit. Believe in her. Trust her. Her methods may be different from yours and so what? You are not the Decider of All That Is Brilliant. You have opinions. She does too. Give her some space, bro. 
• Hold her tight 
• Hold her hand. Cuddle up next to her on the coach. Spoon in bed. Keep your hands off her boobs for a while. Let her know you want HER and not just her sex. 
• Tenderness
• I've had guys say to me, "Men don't act like this." Well, yes and no: Happily married men act like this. Unhappily married and/or divorced men don't act like this (they tend to act more like the stereotypical "manly" men).  Which outcome do YOU want? 
• This isn't about "getting in touch with your feminine side" guys. I don't have a feminine side and neither do you. We are men. But since you chose to be with a woman this is ALL about getting in touch with her feminine side and treating that femininity with respect for what that femininity requires, needs and wants. 
• Treat her right
• Duh! But man, does this one get missed—a lot! Basic manners, etiquette, respect and chivalry NEVER go out of style: 
• Open her door;
• Pull out her chair for her;
• Wait for her to be seated before you sit down; 
• Stand when she enters the room or approaches the table, 
• Say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me".
• Introduce her immediately to others;
• Compliment her in front of others, frequently;
• NEVER criticize her in front of others;
• Beg her pardon when you err, if you messed up say, "I was wrong. I am sorry." Period. Don't make excuses; 
• Bring her flowers "just because";
• Pamper her;
• Discover the little things that make her feel loved and do them frequently;
• Be nice. There's NO excuse for calling her a name EVER. She is yours to protect and defend—most of all from yourself!

And the outcomes these behaviors generate:

• You find yourself lying helpless in her arms
• Regardless of how tough and strong you are as a man everyone has weakness and vulnerability. We may not be comfortable showing it to others, but we need to have at least one place in our lives were we can be FULLY ourselves—strength and weakness together. If there's one place where that's good to be, it's in your woman's arms. That is her strength to understand your pain and your weakness and to love you fully because of your weakness, not in spite of it. 
• You know...
• To truly know love. Wow, what security that brings. Freedom from jealously and insecurity. To truly know you are both in love removes so much fear and anxiety and stress from our lives as we know that regardless of what happens in the rest of this crazy world, there is one person who makes sense, who is constant, who is there. 
• She will be there for you
• Wow. Think of that. She will be there for you. Can you name a higher honor or compliment that could be bestowed from one human to another? What greater gift is there than to give of one's self and one's life's devotion. It is amazing. See it as such. 
• Taking good care of you
• A woman who is well taken care of in all the ways discussed above finds joy and pleasure in taking care of her man. 

3/52 Relationships Trump Things—"Blue Light, Red Light (Someone's There)", by Harry Connick, Jr.

THE SONG: Blue Light, Red Light (Someone's There), Harry Connick, Jr.

Or watch it on YouTube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3SZ3tacC9I

I live in a tiny closet 

A lukewarm cold water flat

With room for a couple of cinders

A mouse, a hole, and a trap

I don't worry about the flights

Or count the stairs

'cause I know

Someone's there

I took a high paying sweeping-up job

Dusting after somebody else

Seeing that there's clean on the windows

Convincing the snow to melt

I don't worry about the ride

Or the subway fare

'cause I know

Someone's there

One day we'll move uptown

Or even out to the country side

And for every leaf on a tree

We'll add one cub to the pride

Who cares if the floor ain't level

Or if the ceiling falls in

Haunted by the devil

And ghosts and bogeymen

I can't be concerned

Why should I care

No place I'd go alone would compare

'cause I know, I know

You're there

THE LOVE NOTE:
Dear Kara,

Well, I guess this is where it all started: My love affair with music that made me think of my love affair with you. I remember we got this CD while we were dating and listened to it a LOT. I have many good memories listening to this with you in “the Dungeon” apartment where Steve, Charlie and I lived with the beast Capone. It’s now more than 18 years later. While more money and a bigger house would be great, none of that could make me happier than being with you.

“Who cares if the floor ain’t level, or if the ceiling falls in…I can’t be concerned. Why should I care? No place I’d go alone would compare, ‘cause I know you’re there.” Knowing you are there means more than anything in the world to me.

Do you remember when we lived in DeKalb and we were poorer than poor in graduate school? At one point we were both in the bathroom talking of our dire straits and we just began laughing at how simply pathetic it all was. I remember then holding you and telling you I was glad that if I had to be poor I’d most want to be poor with you, or something like that. Not that “misery loves company” but simply because we could both see the humor in such a tough situation. You have always been good at having the faith that things would work out and get better. I love that about you. I love you.

Love,

The P

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Relationships Trump Things: When we focus on things and tasks we gain things that fade and a to-do list that will remain un-done long after the tombstone has been placed on our grave. Further, when we make things primary we lose the relationship.

However, when things stay in their proper place—secondary to the relationship—the relationship wins. Too many couples fight over things to possess and tasks to get done. For example, if a couple can balance the checkbook and stay in love great. If they can't then they need to focus more on treating each other well anyway instead of using the checkbook as an excuse for treating each other poorly.

As my kids remind me sometimes of my own saying, "People are more important than things."

2/52 Simplicity Cuts Through Complexity—"A Love That Will Last" by Renee Olstead

THE SONG: A Love That Will Last
Renee Olstead

I want a little something more
Don't want the middle or the one before
I don't desire a complicated past
I want a love that will last
Say that you love me
Say I’m the one
Don't kiss and hug me and then try to run
I don't do drama
My tears don't fall fast
I want a love that will last
[Chorus]
I don't want just a memory
Give me forever
Don't even think about saying goodbye
Cuz I just want one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till I die
So call me romantic
Oh I guess that's so
There’s something more that you ought to know
I'll never leave you
So don't even ask
I want a love that will last
Forever
I want a love that will last

[Chorus]

So there’s just a little more that I need
I want to share all the air you breathe
I'm not the kinda girl to complicate the past
I want a love that will last
Forever
I want a love the love that will last
Always
I just want a love that will last
I want a love that will last

THE LOVE NOTE

Dear Kara,

I got it. Thanks baby.

—Me

THE PRINCIPLE

Simplicity cuts through complexity. "I don't want a complicated past... don't want drama... I just want a love that will last." Too many of the couples I work with have complicated their relationships. For example, they want a deep and meaningful friendship, yet they don't treat each other as friends.  The simple approach is to then begin acting in friendly ways even if you don't feel friendly. Be nice. Duh. So obvious yet it's missed because we add complexity: "I'd be nice if she wouldn't...". Cut through the crud and just be nice anyway.